This Life

This Life

This life isn’t easy. No matter how brave I look, no matter how strong I may seem, no matter how amazing my life looks, it’s never easy. It has always been hard. There’s always something going wrong in my life. Sometimes I feel like it’s all my fault. Maybe if I try harder or wear the so called “cool clothes”.

Some days it works. And others….just don’t. Life, life is a game that you have to play. There are rules, but you don’t know them. There are other players, but you’re forced to play alone while everyone else gets to play together. Yeah, you have some friends, but they don’t play the game with you. They just leave you out to die.

I’ve been struggling with depression for some time now. But no one will ever know, because I have to be strong, I have to be the young adult they think I am. If I cry, they’ll think I’m weak. So I cry alone in my bedroom as I fall asleep. Before I make myself happy, I have to make the people around me happy first.

A couple months later, things have changed. I now have a boyfriend and I love him deeply. He knows about my past and also what I’m going through. I tell him everything that’s important to me. He knows that my biological father hasn’t been in my life for 18 years, but I’ve been getting to know who he is via text. My boyfriend also knows that I’ve been fighting with depression and yet, he still loves me for who I am.

This life, is far from easy for me. Yes, I make it look easy, but that’s only because I need to show my younger siblings what being brave and strong looks like. Because, if I don’t, who will?